The day I bought a butt-squirter (aka, a bidet)

Today is a very special day in my house. Our butts will never be the same. Yes, that’s right: we’ve bought a bidet attachment.

With COVID-19 making toilet paper the next hottest item, soaring beyond even hatchimal and tickle-me-Elmo fame in its demand, I started imagining a house full of boys running out of toilet paper.

It wasn’t pretty.

So instead of hoarding more, I wanted to think long-term, and cut our dependence on those white rolls of tree-pulp drastically. Enter the PureSpa Bidet Attachment. Yes, with a capital B and a capital A.

Honestly, I was surprised any were even available locally, but a short drive to the next city over and I had one. I was worried the cold water would be too harsh on our uninitiated tooshies, but forged ahead. The setup was fairly simple. And I totally didn’t get sprayed while tightening the connections.

Hubby was the first to brave its wrath. I maintain that I didn’t know it was so powerful. I really didn’t. He quickly turned the knob to the half-way position to get it over with. He screamed.

Folks: half way is too much!

This thing was like a pressure washer for your butt. Too high and it’s a pressure washer for your insides too. We quickly learned you barely turn the dial if you want to survive.

But what would the boys (aged 11 and 8) think? Turns out they were all over anything with a name like “butt squirter” (thanks to my husband for introducing it as such!). Not only were they eager to use it, but they were daring each other on.

My 8 year old went first. Much trepidation ensued, but 30 minutes of leg-numbing toilet sitting later, he turned it on a tiny, tiny bit. Much laughing and squirming followed, and he stayed on that thing for a good 10 minutes! His brother had to beg him to get off the damn thing.

My 11 year old went next. Confidence surging from his brother’s bravery, it took him only 1 minute and 10 seconds to turn the nozzle. He squealed and stomped his feet as he got sprayed. Absolutely loved it. Couldn’t wait to have to poop.

After several more turns back and forth, I finally got the boys out of the bathroom to try this thing myself. Even the teeny tiniest turn of the knob was too strong for me at first, but I adapted. Surprisingly, the cold water didn’t bother me at all. In the reviews people described it as “refreshing” and I scoffed. As someone who barely mixes any cold water into her shower, I fully expected an awful experience. But it actually was refreshing. It has to be experienced to be believed.

I’m not sure how much toilet paper we’ll end up saving. We got pretty drenched. You could wait around to drip dry, but I prefer to use a bit of TP to dry off. Before we got the bidet it would be nothing for my 8 year old to use half a costco roll of TP wiping himself, filling the toilet to capacity with TP and then attempting to flush it in a game of poopie water Russian roulette. I’m really hoping we’ll not only use less TP, but have less clogs as well.

Isn’t dealing with bodily functions wonderful?

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